men and monogamy
really?
So I went through some old emails and came across a convo that I had with a male friend. Have you ever looked back at past conversations or thoughts and completely disagreed with what you said? I have. It usually has to do with growth and not being in the same place in life. That’s not the case this time. This one, I still agree with, and I am certainly not in the same place in life. Interesting.
Question posed to me March 2009:
Do you think that’s its possible/feasible/originally designed for men to be monogamous? From a biological and\or sociological perspective please.
My response:
I honestly think that it wasn’t meant for men to be monogamous. That’s not to say that I want someone who sleeps around. lol. I think that we have bastardized what it means to be in a relationship and to love. Sex is for progeny primarily and pleasure second. We have reversed that. I think that it has a lot to do with the history of the Bible and how the church turned stuff into what they wanted it to be. The institution of marriage as we know it is nothing like what it {has been historically and} was in biblical days.
Think about it. Why are men able to have children through death and women stop after a certain point? Why do most men feel the need to have children in the sense of continuing their bloodline? Spreading seed is innate. I think that many of the things we struggle with in present society are a result of self-imposed constraints. Some stuff we are made to desire…
With that, I don’t think it’s ok to sleep around. There are too many implications that come along with it now…
Him:
It is an interesting topic mainly for the reasons you listed. I have thought about the disproportionate difference in sperm versus eggs, but the seed is meant to be used for progeny. And that’s it. Sexual intercourse is meant to seal the bond of unity.
So the question is: do we just give all men a pass? Do we just say that because it’s not natural to be monogamous, we just excuse all unfaithful men? Under that rationale, we should excuse all male rapists too because many studies have shown that all men possess the ability to rape.
So what do we do? I think the point of monogamy isn’t biology, its self-control. Its having a loaded gun and an attitude and not killing anyone. Sure, you have the ABILITY to stray, but that’s a perversion of “relationship” and “fidelity”. It’s about faithfulness. I think if we could ever really learn relationship, we could solve the infidelity problem and the promiscuity issue.
So I feel your opinion and wanted to know your take on it. Many times, males always justify their promiscuous positions based on the arguments of having all this sperm and even our biblical examples. Women usually contend that fidelity is normal and expected. It’s weird that our positions are the exact opposite. Hmmm…
Me:
“Women usually contend that fidelity is normal and expected. It’s weird that our positions are the exact opposite. Hmmm…”
I do contend that it is normal and expected, now. We have shaped relationships to be monogamous so that’s what it is. We grow up learning that it’s supposed to be this way. I don’t give anyone a pass. If you CHOOSE to enter a relationship under our current societal expectations, you should stand by your decision. Like you said it all comes down to control. Choice and control are the keys. If a man makes the choice to not get married and bed hop, that’s his choice and I can respect that, as long as he isn’t using deceit to get what he wants. He has to deal with the consequences that come with it.
I don’t think that you and I differ in view at all. I want a relationship under our current societal conditions. I’m just saying biologically, I can’t say that it was “meant” to be this way with full certainty. I don’t think that most people would be able to handle the institution of polygamy as was practiced traditionally, myself included. The definition and purpose of love and family has changed. Clearly God makes no mistakes and has all things happen for a reason.
“I think if we could ever really learn relationship, we could solve the infidelity problem and the promiscuity issue.” – I completely agree. People don’t understand love and/or oneness. Most of that stems from lacking relationship with God but that’s for another conversation.
2010 follow up:
I think it’s natural for men to spread seed because in the beginning of time, we were populating the Earth. I honestly think it’s innate, an extremely natural desire. With this, I believe that women are so sold on the idea of monogamy because of the emergence of romanticism, which is extremely new within the context of the history of humanity. Do I desire it, hell yes. Do I think this is how it always was? Not so much. Romanticism is one reason why we have so many issues in relationships. We need to get it together and not get so caught up with intangibles. I also think monogamy is related to the “issue” of masturbation but I’ll save that for another day. I have plenty of thoughts on that 
what are your thoughts? you’re probably like what THE hell? What’s wrong with this chick? *shrugs* I’m just being polite…
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